Hello R,
How are you getting along with your treatment? Haven't heard from you for a while and if you don't feel like talking to anyone, it is alright, because that was exactly how I felt the last couple of weeks. However, God granted me a miracle just yesterday that I wanted to share with you, because on the one hand, it is still making my heart race with joy at this very moment, and on the other hand, hopefully the story will help to strengthen you.
Since my 1st encounter with chemo on 21 June, which was also the first day of my radiotherapy, it was utterly devastating, leaving me physically weak and limp. When I was in the hospital for one day of warding to do the chemo, I could not even talk to the nurse for more than 5 mins before I ran out of energy, after the treatment. Then the next seven days that followed, was a living nightmare. During that time, I couldn't eat and couldn't rest. When I rested too much, both my left & right hips would hurt - but not resting was not an option. I had to eat because otherwise I would loose weight and my radiotherapy immobilization shell would have to be redone. But eating was really tough as it was hurting my gums when I clean my teeth. But not cleaning my teeth was not an option, as I may end up with other dental problems as my gum have all receded and I suffer dry mouth problems. And to top it all, I had constipation for 7 full days!
Well, with all the above background info, I guess anyone can understand why I was so badly traumatized by my chemo experience.
Then yesterday - 16 July, was my 2nd chemotherapy session! Since Monday I was very down and terribly scared. I kept praying to the Lord to somehow help me but I just don't know how anything could be done to lesson the suffering. Especially now that I have gone through 20 sessions of radiation and the skin of my neck is beginning to crack and hurt even when I clean it with water. And did I mention that my ulcers are now in full blossom for the second harvest? So, how?
Well, the Lord answered me and granted me my miracle! My oncologist had a talk with me just before my session started, and explained how he wanted to lighten my dosage by spreading it out over the 3 weeks consecutively. And, that made a world of difference for me. At the same time he examined me and found that actually, I have more thrush in my throat than ulcers and prescribed a medication to fix it. My natural aloe vera leaf gel (that I brought along with me to the hospital) was also quick in fixing my neck's pain, and the Maluka honey is also back in control of my ulcers.
So, all in all, the Lord changed my most dread day in my entire treatment into the best, most pain-free, blessed and uplifting day for me!
Praise the Lord, for with this miracle clearly etched into my memory, I now know for a fact, that miracles can happen! And that has helped me to truly cast my burdens to the Lord to take care of them, in the way that He knows best.
I hope my personal miracle story will be of help to you.
Meantime, I wish you a God blessed and speedy recovery, and I will remember you in my prayer.
Hock-Soon.
P.S. I have joined a NPC Support Group, led by another Christian brother - Teo Thiam Chye. He is a 17-years NPC cancer survivor, and the Lord sent him to talk to me one week before my treatment started, to provide me with valuable information. The group has now 130 members and care-givers, and is run under the auspices of the National Cancer Center. There is also a TTSH and NUH group. If you haven't joined one yet, you may like to, as I learnt a lot of tips from the cancer survivors on how to manage the treatment and it is also beneficial for my wife, as my care giver. Do let me know if you are interested.
Subject: Thank you for sharing
Date: Tuesday, 15 June 2010 2:17:58 PM
Private & Confidential
My dear Hock Soon,
My name is R, a fellow FMC sufferer of nose cancer. I just saw Pastor's email today, and hasten to respond to his request asking me to share any advice I may have with you. And above all, to encourage you to fight on.
I was diagnosed with nose cancer, stage 4 in Feb 2010, but now realized my cancer started a year earlier, undetected, sometime in Jan 2009. I have just completed 2 cycles of chemotherapy, am weakened considerably, and will commence radio-cum-chemotherapy next week.
Which I await with trepidation.
Now I am in the throes of an agonizing headache - that will pass and be overcome by God's grace. But for now I am struggling as I pen this mail to you. Therefore please forgive me for this perfunctory response, for being unable to share and respond more fully. I will surely get down to it as soon as I get over this debilitating attack...
(..after some rest..)
I am at a loss as to the "advice" I can offer. No experience is the same. What I went through and am going through may be vastly different from yours. Pastor and an FMC brother shared with me accounts of people who have had cancer, who seemed to have it so easy. I was greatly encouraged. But my own experience has been anything but easy. So it is not advice I offer, but simply sharing my experiences in the hope it may help you in your faith and fight against the disease.
Not knowing you, at the risk of offending you - let me humbly say it is most important to first get our faith and commitment right and sorted out. Know whom we believe, what we believe.
I say this because my faith was and is being put to the test: I am on trial.
If I didn't know and experience the reality of God and Jesus Christ in my life over the years, I would surely have been emotionally devastated and succumbed, when news first broke about my cancer and in the subsequent weeks as I underwent treatment.
My cancer probably started in Feb 2009, a year before I was diagnosed with the disease. By then it had spread to the ear, face, neck, and throat. It had impinged on the brain. As months went by, the entire left side of my face became numb, a lump appeared on the left side of the neck, I could not hear with my left ear, my voice grew hoarse, and I experienced difficulty with taste and swallowing.
By mid-2009 I knew something was seriously wrong with my body; I have never had such frequent headaches and pain previously; the attacks grew worse as the months rolled by. At the Wed prayer group meetings that I regularly attended, I recalled telling my small group members to pray for my health, though I didn't let out what I was going through.
By October 2009 I knew I had probably contracted nose cancer.
Don't ask me how I know - I just knew.
So when NPC was diagnosed in Feb 2010 I was not shocked. The ENT doctor at TTSH took note of my calmness; he surmised my lack of reaction to being fatalistic. He didn't use those words exactly, but said I should not be pessimistic. Funny, I didn't feel pessimistic or depressed. And I believe it was because the Lord had already prepared me for the (bad) news months earlier. That was why I knew.
I cannot explain why I still don't feel depressed, bitter or self-pity up till this day. People didn't understand me, some still don't. Some thought I am in denial.
Sometimes I wonder about that too.
Because despite being hit hard by illnesses, excruciating pain, and crying out to the Lord each time, I still don't suffer from self-pity or anger. Not that I don't experience despair - I do sometimes. At such times I wondered if I could make it through, esp when medicine or drug had failed to overcome the excruciating pain and I was left with nowhere else to go or turn to for help and relief. Except to cry out to the Lord.
That despair and other dark thoughts, however, were quickly dismissed when scripture came to mind:
Matt 10:28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.
Dark thoughts flirted with my mind, to attack and weaken my resolve. It will afflict you too. Satan never let(s) up. It is always a struggle, a mind battle. Yet through it all, I was amazed I didn't get depressed or angry or bitter. I know it wasn't me, not my resolve. The only answer I can think of is that God was holding me up, moved by the prayers of my support group and my faith in Him.
And that's why, before anything else, you must have faith and experience the reality of Jesus Christ in your life. He alone helps you to endure and overcome. That faith is very important in your struggle against the disease.
Cancer to me is not a physical battle. It is a spiritual battle. Physically my body tolerated the chemo well (as for radiotherapy, I will know in the coming weeks and months). It is in the spiritual realm that I have to constantly struggle and fight off dark thoughts. The spiritual battle weakened me physically, wearied me, sometimes made me want to give up....
Equally important, aside from faith, is to have your prayer support group. For me, I thanked and kept those members - who emailed they will pray for me - updated and informed of my on-going condition and progress. I owed them that, but can only update when my energy returned. Like now.
And they have become my prayer support group, including our dear Pastor - my extended family. I know there are others who are praying for me, but because I don't know who they are and don't have their email addresses, regrettably I have not been able to keep them informed. Pastor kindly undertook that responsibility, updating other members of my health condition and progress on an no-name basis (my request) through his regular newsletter.
But don't despair if some don't respond to your cancer revelation. As in everything else, your prayer partners are chosen by the Lord. So give thanks in everything, okay?
Finally, Hock Soon, my apologies if my email is offensive in any way. Or create apprehension about what you may go through. I am forthright in my response, only because I share your suffering and understand the questions you harbor and info you seek. Like I was.
I know when all else fails, when no advice - or friends, family, medicine or doctor - can help me, only the merciful Lord can pull me through. I know I am safe in His hand, no matter what.
That assurance is all that matters to me. If I say I believe in the Lord, if I trust in Him, it doesn't matter whether I live or die, only that I do His perfect will and purpose for my life. That is, if I truly, truly and absolutely believe in the reality of Jesus Christ.
Which I do.
Finally, if there is anything to take away from this email, it is that which I had shared at the beginning: we (not only those in pain but all those who are God's chosen people) need to examine ourselves and to know where we stand in our faith and commitment to the Lord. The rest is par for the course.
Let's pray for one another,
R
p.s. You know what? It's been 3-4 hours as I ponder and pen this mail; the excruciating pain I felt is less now, and gradually ebbing away, but still there. Praise and glory to the Lord ! A spiritual and mind battle indeed.
How are you getting along with your treatment? Haven't heard from you for a while and if you don't feel like talking to anyone, it is alright, because that was exactly how I felt the last couple of weeks. However, God granted me a miracle just yesterday that I wanted to share with you, because on the one hand, it is still making my heart race with joy at this very moment, and on the other hand, hopefully the story will help to strengthen you.
Since my 1st encounter with chemo on 21 June, which was also the first day of my radiotherapy, it was utterly devastating, leaving me physically weak and limp. When I was in the hospital for one day of warding to do the chemo, I could not even talk to the nurse for more than 5 mins before I ran out of energy, after the treatment. Then the next seven days that followed, was a living nightmare. During that time, I couldn't eat and couldn't rest. When I rested too much, both my left & right hips would hurt - but not resting was not an option. I had to eat because otherwise I would loose weight and my radiotherapy immobilization shell would have to be redone. But eating was really tough as it was hurting my gums when I clean my teeth. But not cleaning my teeth was not an option, as I may end up with other dental problems as my gum have all receded and I suffer dry mouth problems. And to top it all, I had constipation for 7 full days!
Well, with all the above background info, I guess anyone can understand why I was so badly traumatized by my chemo experience.
Then yesterday - 16 July, was my 2nd chemotherapy session! Since Monday I was very down and terribly scared. I kept praying to the Lord to somehow help me but I just don't know how anything could be done to lesson the suffering. Especially now that I have gone through 20 sessions of radiation and the skin of my neck is beginning to crack and hurt even when I clean it with water. And did I mention that my ulcers are now in full blossom for the second harvest? So, how?
Well, the Lord answered me and granted me my miracle! My oncologist had a talk with me just before my session started, and explained how he wanted to lighten my dosage by spreading it out over the 3 weeks consecutively. And, that made a world of difference for me. At the same time he examined me and found that actually, I have more thrush in my throat than ulcers and prescribed a medication to fix it. My natural aloe vera leaf gel (that I brought along with me to the hospital) was also quick in fixing my neck's pain, and the Maluka honey is also back in control of my ulcers.
So, all in all, the Lord changed my most dread day in my entire treatment into the best, most pain-free, blessed and uplifting day for me!
Praise the Lord, for with this miracle clearly etched into my memory, I now know for a fact, that miracles can happen! And that has helped me to truly cast my burdens to the Lord to take care of them, in the way that He knows best.
I hope my personal miracle story will be of help to you.
Meantime, I wish you a God blessed and speedy recovery, and I will remember you in my prayer.
Hock-Soon.
P.S. I have joined a NPC Support Group, led by another Christian brother - Teo Thiam Chye. He is a 17-years NPC cancer survivor, and the Lord sent him to talk to me one week before my treatment started, to provide me with valuable information. The group has now 130 members and care-givers, and is run under the auspices of the National Cancer Center. There is also a TTSH and NUH group. If you haven't joined one yet, you may like to, as I learnt a lot of tips from the cancer survivors on how to manage the treatment and it is also beneficial for my wife, as my care giver. Do let me know if you are interested.
Subject: Thank you for sharing
Date: Tuesday, 15 June 2010 2:17:58 PM
Private & Confidential
My dear Hock Soon,
My name is R, a fellow FMC sufferer of nose cancer. I just saw Pastor's email today, and hasten to respond to his request asking me to share any advice I may have with you. And above all, to encourage you to fight on.
I was diagnosed with nose cancer, stage 4 in Feb 2010, but now realized my cancer started a year earlier, undetected, sometime in Jan 2009. I have just completed 2 cycles of chemotherapy, am weakened considerably, and will commence radio-cum-chemotherapy next week.
Which I await with trepidation.
Now I am in the throes of an agonizing headache - that will pass and be overcome by God's grace. But for now I am struggling as I pen this mail to you. Therefore please forgive me for this perfunctory response, for being unable to share and respond more fully. I will surely get down to it as soon as I get over this debilitating attack...
(..after some rest..)
I am at a loss as to the "advice" I can offer. No experience is the same. What I went through and am going through may be vastly different from yours. Pastor and an FMC brother shared with me accounts of people who have had cancer, who seemed to have it so easy. I was greatly encouraged. But my own experience has been anything but easy. So it is not advice I offer, but simply sharing my experiences in the hope it may help you in your faith and fight against the disease.
Not knowing you, at the risk of offending you - let me humbly say it is most important to first get our faith and commitment right and sorted out. Know whom we believe, what we believe.
I say this because my faith was and is being put to the test: I am on trial.
If I didn't know and experience the reality of God and Jesus Christ in my life over the years, I would surely have been emotionally devastated and succumbed, when news first broke about my cancer and in the subsequent weeks as I underwent treatment.
My cancer probably started in Feb 2009, a year before I was diagnosed with the disease. By then it had spread to the ear, face, neck, and throat. It had impinged on the brain. As months went by, the entire left side of my face became numb, a lump appeared on the left side of the neck, I could not hear with my left ear, my voice grew hoarse, and I experienced difficulty with taste and swallowing.
By mid-2009 I knew something was seriously wrong with my body; I have never had such frequent headaches and pain previously; the attacks grew worse as the months rolled by. At the Wed prayer group meetings that I regularly attended, I recalled telling my small group members to pray for my health, though I didn't let out what I was going through.
By October 2009 I knew I had probably contracted nose cancer.
Don't ask me how I know - I just knew.
So when NPC was diagnosed in Feb 2010 I was not shocked. The ENT doctor at TTSH took note of my calmness; he surmised my lack of reaction to being fatalistic. He didn't use those words exactly, but said I should not be pessimistic. Funny, I didn't feel pessimistic or depressed. And I believe it was because the Lord had already prepared me for the (bad) news months earlier. That was why I knew.
I cannot explain why I still don't feel depressed, bitter or self-pity up till this day. People didn't understand me, some still don't. Some thought I am in denial.
Sometimes I wonder about that too.
Because despite being hit hard by illnesses, excruciating pain, and crying out to the Lord each time, I still don't suffer from self-pity or anger. Not that I don't experience despair - I do sometimes. At such times I wondered if I could make it through, esp when medicine or drug had failed to overcome the excruciating pain and I was left with nowhere else to go or turn to for help and relief. Except to cry out to the Lord.
That despair and other dark thoughts, however, were quickly dismissed when scripture came to mind:
Matt 10:28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.
Dark thoughts flirted with my mind, to attack and weaken my resolve. It will afflict you too. Satan never let(s) up. It is always a struggle, a mind battle. Yet through it all, I was amazed I didn't get depressed or angry or bitter. I know it wasn't me, not my resolve. The only answer I can think of is that God was holding me up, moved by the prayers of my support group and my faith in Him.
And that's why, before anything else, you must have faith and experience the reality of Jesus Christ in your life. He alone helps you to endure and overcome. That faith is very important in your struggle against the disease.
Cancer to me is not a physical battle. It is a spiritual battle. Physically my body tolerated the chemo well (as for radiotherapy, I will know in the coming weeks and months). It is in the spiritual realm that I have to constantly struggle and fight off dark thoughts. The spiritual battle weakened me physically, wearied me, sometimes made me want to give up....
Equally important, aside from faith, is to have your prayer support group. For me, I thanked and kept those members - who emailed they will pray for me - updated and informed of my on-going condition and progress. I owed them that, but can only update when my energy returned. Like now.
And they have become my prayer support group, including our dear Pastor - my extended family. I know there are others who are praying for me, but because I don't know who they are and don't have their email addresses, regrettably I have not been able to keep them informed. Pastor kindly undertook that responsibility, updating other members of my health condition and progress on an no-name basis (my request) through his regular newsletter.
But don't despair if some don't respond to your cancer revelation. As in everything else, your prayer partners are chosen by the Lord. So give thanks in everything, okay?
Finally, Hock Soon, my apologies if my email is offensive in any way. Or create apprehension about what you may go through. I am forthright in my response, only because I share your suffering and understand the questions you harbor and info you seek. Like I was.
I know when all else fails, when no advice - or friends, family, medicine or doctor - can help me, only the merciful Lord can pull me through. I know I am safe in His hand, no matter what.
That assurance is all that matters to me. If I say I believe in the Lord, if I trust in Him, it doesn't matter whether I live or die, only that I do His perfect will and purpose for my life. That is, if I truly, truly and absolutely believe in the reality of Jesus Christ.
Which I do.
Finally, if there is anything to take away from this email, it is that which I had shared at the beginning: we (not only those in pain but all those who are God's chosen people) need to examine ourselves and to know where we stand in our faith and commitment to the Lord. The rest is par for the course.
Let's pray for one another,
R
p.s. You know what? It's been 3-4 hours as I ponder and pen this mail; the excruciating pain I felt is less now, and gradually ebbing away, but still there. Praise and glory to the Lord ! A spiritual and mind battle indeed.
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