After Discharge
Upon discharge from TTSH, I wanted to know how my body would be impacted. What would be the treatment protocol and possible side-effects of highly toxic drugs prescribed? How would the treatment protocol impact and damage vital organs and body tissues? In short, I wanted to know how cancer patients cope with their condition. Sure, I was invited to join a (wonderful) self-help group led by ex-patients. But when you are fighting ill-health, you're very weakened. Especially for one at my late stage of the disease. Movement, walking about and travel became burdensome. I was in no condition to attend such monthly meet-ups at TTSH.
Searched for Info
So I googled for info on how other fellow patients in Singapore cope. Was there a personal tell-all blog by a local survivor? Gasp, days later, I concluded the search was in vain - I couldn't locate any. Not a single blog. Ssshh, the Net seemed to whisper, it is taboo to talk, let alone write about the dreaded disease! And like a broken vinyl record a refrain "no one will write or read it" seemed to go on and on in the stillness of my mind. The silence was overwhelming.
I then felt an urge to start a blog. Share my struggle and fight with this dreaded affliction. And provide a resource for other cancer patients in Singapore. Material for the blog would come from my updates to my prayer supporters, dear friends and family.
Demonic Oppression
The desire to write was certainly there. Realizing it however was another matter. Satan worked over-time to thwart my intention. "Are you sure you're not writing to seek or gain sympathy?" a voice whispered in my ear. "Aren't you promoting your own misery? How can that be glorifying God? Who would read it anyway?" These and other dark thoughts hit me each time I made an attempt to write. Praying to the Lord helped me to fend off these attacks. As did the intercessions of my dear prayer group, friends and family.
Then the final bombshell came. It exploded and hit a raw nerve. "Your good intention is nothing more than a vain attempt to glorify yourself and not God. It's not about God. It's all about You!"
Master of Deception
Gasp, Satan certainly knew where to hit. At my most vulnerable. He knew I wanted to share not only how God helped me in my struggle against the malady. But also on the nuances and insights I received from the Lord. Especially the startling (i.e. for me) fact that Ego was satan's basic tool to put many of us, including me, under demonic deception. He used ego right in the days of Creation to deceive and entrap Eve and Adam. When he succeeded, Sin was birthed and Self became actualized and conscious. Since then he has successfully weaved his web of deception on the church and christian organizations. The Apostle Paul said "For we are not unaware of his schemes". Sadly that cannot be said of the church today. Many of us today are under satanic deception. Except we aren't aware of it. And as long as we are unaware we remained under bondage. We continued in our sin.
Satan deftly used that against me. "Doesn't that same egoistic desire you are crusading against apply to you as well?" Huh? I took a huge breath and paused, as self-doubt crept in. Is ego my real motive? Am I writing in a veiled attempt at self-glory? It was clear satan was out to stop me from the get-go. He would pull no punches to stop me from exposing his demonic schemes.
Satan's taunts, particularly the bombshell, were very effective. I crumbled, totally expired, mentally wrecked. I vacillated and became indecisive. My resolve weakened. Defeated, I put off publishing the blog. Weeks and months passed. Nothing happened. The drafts remained drafts. Unpublished.
But Isaiah 55:11 "So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it." rang out loud and clear. And I heard myself thinking "Maybe not now but I will definitely push out my blog..." The Holy Spirit used Isaiah 55:11 to underpin and strengthen my resolve to write. He gave me grace to circumvent the dark thoughts and forces. I quickly took out my notepad and drafted short notes on the nudges and thoughts as an interim measure. "But the final push has to come from you", the benevolent voice whispered. "Yes, Lord," I whispered in return. That would be my calling and service to the Lord.
November 2010: Started the Blog
And so I started putting together my blog after completing the initial treatment protocol in September 2010. I tweaked the blog structure, hacked a few widgets, and drafted several articles in the ensuing months. Progress was painfully slow. Dark forces continued to prevail upon me. The drafts remained as drafts. The blog languished on the back-burner. It was still-born.
Meanwhile my cancer treatment continued. I drafted articles whenever I could, using the interim notes I had kept of the nuances and insights that came to me from time to time. But the articles remained unpublished on my blog. Ten months passed. By end-Jun 2011 my blog still remained unpublished. There was no progress. I felt dejected with the status quo. But there was little else I could do.
Jul 2011 Medical Review: Less than Two Months Left
In late Jul 2011 I went for a scheduled MRI scan to follow-up on my Sep 2010 RT treatment. The radiologist who did the scan that afternoon was spooked when he reviewed the final negatives. He immediately alerted Dr Sam. "You better look at this," he advised Sam and recommended immediate hospitalization. Sam was scheduled to see me only 3 weeks later. Given the urgency, he set aside time to see me that same afternoon.
Hours later, I saw Dr Sam. He looked serious and glum - well, maybe glum is a poor choice of words, unsmiling and serious would be better.
From his demeanor I knew what to expect. For a moment a lump stuck in my throat. I held up three fingers: "Three months?" He shooked his head grimly. "No, less than two," he muttered. The implication was clear. My brain stem would be entirely choked by tumor in less than 2 months! I took a deep breath, then gushed out, "Oh, thank you, Dr Sam! Thank you so much! Now I know what I must do in the time that is left. Thank you for being open and forth-right about my condition."
That's what I love about Sam: no beating-about-the-bush, no stone-walling, no hemming or hewing as most doctors are wont to do. I accorded him the utmost respect. And he returned it likewise with his straight-forward disclosures.
I took a deep deep breath. Wow, I made it this far in the draft/re-edit of this post! I am so elated! Henceforth I will boldly charge forward, always seeking the Spirit's leading! Another few days more.
Note: As it turned out, it was more than a few days. Ten long months passed before I was able to make the final push and edit (Jul 2011 to 30-Apr-12).
To be continued...
My response to the demonic taunts:
1 - Are you sure you're not writing to seek or gain sympathy? Aren't you promoting your own misery? How could that be glorifying God? Well, I will use a nick e.g. 'R' in place of my real name. That way I won't draw attention to who I am in real life. I will also as much as possible remove titles and surnames of persons referred to in my blog to protect identities and preserve/respect their personal privacy.2 - Who would read it anyway? Those who may benefit from this blog:
Cancer sufferers who want to know what to expect and how they could cope. Because there is a dearth of first-person perspectives on cancer.
Family members who want to know how to provide better care, support, understanding and how their loved one is coping. Usually cancer patients are unwilling or unable to communicate with family members on what they're going through. Hopefully this blog may provide some answers.
People seeking God. Hopefully they may find answers through this blog as I shared new Biblical insights that God revealed to me following the disease, including some answers about life itself and God's plan for mankind!
Today Sun 15-Apr-2012: Yes, I feel liberated for the first time in many months! A great burden has been lifted from my heart. For today I finally completed the final edits to this first post. With this completed post I can launch this blog officially at the appropriate (God-appointed) time!
Had God not intervened Satan certainly would have succeeded. Without your continual prayer support, especially Ps Daniel's, CS, et al, I certainly would have crumbled in the face of demonic onslaught. But each time I made fresh attempts to write, I was distracted. They came in the form of bouts of ill-health and hospitalization, sudden weakness, loss of mood and motivation, and many other distractions.
Sharing the nuances, thoughts, emotions that came to me and how I prepared my family emotionally, financially and spiritually for that final day - is an affirmation and obedience to His call in Isaiah 55:11,
"So is my word that goes out of my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire, and achieve the purpose for which I sent it."
I invite you to walk with me as I journey through this blog. May you be richly blessed by the Lord as much as I have sharing it with you!
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